Waking up in the middle of the night is humbling because I realize that I am not in control.
Did I go run? Check
Did I avoid caffeine past 3pm? Check
Did I skip naps? Check
In the darkness, slowly rising to my thoughts. A surrender talk with God, specially of worries and wounds. I remember watching a video from Sister Mariam called Transformation from the Heart, which she talked about wounds. I don’t recall the exact phrasing but it went something like “wounds that are not transformed will be transmitted.” That terrifies me. I fear my wounds hurting my family and friends. Like watching family members and wishing the good of them yet feeling a little hopeless that they would permit their own wounds to be healed. But what if they tried? But what if I try and it’s not good enough? How can we surrender what we don’t fully know we need to surrender? Maybe I just don’t like the broadness to surrender everything because it’s harder to remain intentional with broadness. Like a “thank you God for everything!” Versus “thank you God for reminding me I am a light sleeper and therefor, not invincible.”
Sincerely,
Ahhhh me
