A Day in the Life

Now Playing: Passacaglia - Handel/ Halvorsen

This piano piece transcends the beauty and sadness that surrounds my heart. It astounds me that even in the midst of grief, beauty can propel a heart to melt with the melody coming from some black and white keys. Its as if there is still room for silence while the music continues to play. 

Life is precious. Love all you can!

Sincerely,

Yellow Balloon

Beloved

I was feeling down today, that sense of feeling of being unlovable and unseen. This helped me remember the love letter I don’t have to dream of, the love letter that is already there; for you and me both.

Dirty diapers and all

 I’ve been thinking about babies recently. Why are they so lovable? They cry, they can’t talk, they are demanding and their diapers can really really be stinky. Though the thought of asking a loving parent if they love this child of theirs, and with no hesitation, they respond with “absolutely!”

Are these all graces? Are these part of the mystery of love? Is it just a mathematical ratio, emphasizing that their preciousness outweighs their limitations? Is this the same explanation for general human love?

What brings for the conviction to love a soul completely like a loving parent does a child?

“Love of is of its nature reciprocal: he who knows how to receive knows also how to give.

We love the person complete with all his or her virtues and faults, and up to a point independently of those virtues and in spite of those faults. The strength of such a love emerges most clearly when the beloved person stumbles, when his or her weaknesses or even sins come into the open. One who truly loves does not then withdraw his love, but loves all the more, loves in full consciousness of the other's shortcomings and faults, and without in the least approving them.”

-St. John Paul II

Excerpt from a letter

"Dear friend,
I don't know how you are doing, I just know that you've been melancholic with your posts. Not a bad thing, I like depth, and sadness is profound. Emotions are like writing utensils. Some leave a longer lasting impression, but I guess that also depends on what platform it is placed on. Perhaps our skins would be the analogy of the platforms. Even a permanent marker could be washed off a mirror, and sometimes it is not the led of the pencil but the sharpness of its point that leaves an indent on paper no marker ever could. Perhaps that is also why different words or phrases stand out to people differently. Our skins change and what resonates with us is dependent on the surface we have at hand."

6 years

Is it bad that I almost forgot?

Is it an irony that today I go vote with you in mind?

What good triumph through in 2017?

One last hug in grounds that will not permit.

I miss your presence here.

Where I live is not a home,

Without you near.

I wish you were welcomed here.

Pour une seconde

Pour une seconded, they don’t look like weeds. 

Wake up call

 Good morning,

Waking up in the middle of the night is humbling because I realize that I am not in control.

Did I go run? Check

Did I avoid caffeine past 3pm? Check

Did I skip naps? Check

In the darkness, slowly rising to my thoughts. A surrender talk with God, specially of worries and wounds. I remember watching a video from Sister Mariam called Transformation from the Heart, which she talked about wounds. I don’t recall the exact phrasing but it went something like “wounds that are not transformed will be transmitted.” That terrifies me. I fear my wounds hurting my family and friends. Like watching family members and wishing the good of them yet feeling a little hopeless that they would permit their own wounds to be healed. But what if they tried? But what if I try and it’s not good enough? How can we surrender what we don’t fully know we need to surrender? Maybe I just don’t like the broadness to surrender everything because it’s harder to remain intentional with broadness. Like a “thank you God for everything!” Versus “thank you God for reminding me I am a light sleeper and therefor, not invincible.”

Sincerely,

Ahhhh me

Pessimisme

When it feels as if the Lord has given up on you, don't give way to sadness. Seek him with greater determination! He who is Love does not leave you on your

Be convinced that "he has left you on your own" out of Love, so that you may see clearly in your life what is his and what is yours.

-St. Josemaria Escriba

not deflated yellow balloon.

Wanting different things

Now playing: Friday Night by Eric Paslay 

"We get the behavior that we are willing to tolerate." - Fr. Mike

Out of Comfort Zone

Now Playing: Como Yo by Juan Luis Guerra

A month ago, I booked a flight that was out of my comfort zone. This was my place of doubt, booking a trip for myself. It just felt like I was wasting money selfishly. Looking back, it was one of those whimsical moments that I am grateful for. The process after booking my flight went something like this:

1. Worry
2. Guilt
3. Anxious
4. Relief
5. Present
6. Thankful
7. Grateful

God brought forth some miracles in that journey because I learned the hard way of the things I did not plan ahead and of the things I could not have even predicted. One of those being my passport conundrum. Learn from me and reapply for your passport at least 6 months before expiration!

All in all, it reminded me of a sister's quote from a talked I listened to:

"If God wants something to happen, He will make it happen and if God does not want it, than neither shall I!"

Sheepishly, my conviction was not fully present during trials, but it made sense later. God permitted me the ability to have a mom and daughter trip. I don't know the next time I'll have the opportunity to do this, but I am grateful it occurred. The depart hurt so much, because it brought forth the importance my mom's physical presence to me. Perhaps that is a lesson the pandemic brought me, and that is the reminder that I can't predict the future and to take shot on the right opportunities, the ones dearest to my heart. Not to take them for granted.

What about you? What are you capable of changing?

 sincerely,

Ahhh-me

17 years later

 Now Playing: Stronger by Sam Feldt & Kesha

In memory of 2004: my first time seeing the brood X cicadas in the suburbs of DC. While I did not get to see this specific brood in 2021, I am glad that my local cicadas sing loud enough for me to acknowledge their momentary presence. 

Lately, I've been trying to relearn French. It fascinates me that the world can be so much more connected than before. Ambroise and Mathieu (from France), have been helping me practice my French through audio and text messages. I am learning what the world is like on their side of the world, as I share what it is like here. Tres magnifique. Nous sommes freres et soeurs en Christ.

Ciao,

Ahhh-me 

[=

Now Playing: How Deep is Your Love by The Bee Gees 

"For true hearts there is no separating ocean; or, rather, God is their ocean, in Whom they meet and are united; they love, and lose themselves in Him and in each other."

— St. Théodore Guérin

Breakfast Rolls

Now Playing: Vamo' a la calle - Carlos Baute

Experimenting in the kitchen leaves me wanting to create simple creations. Introducing... the breakfast roll!

• Rice paper
• Lettuce
• Scrambled eggs
• Red pepper
• Avocado
• Green onion
• Cooked sausage
• Homemade coleslaw

Personally, I did not think it required a sauce because the tartness and punch from the coleslaw blended well with the creaminess of the avocado and punch from green onions.

I kept trying to find a way to end this post with something profound, something to tie back to God, something more than just food. As I sought for the "perfect" connection, I realize how unauthentic it felt to seek for something that was originally not there. Perhaps the reason there has not been a connection to God is because I had spent a lot of my time looking at a screen rather than looking up. ha. silly me. 

Seek Him first,

Ahhh -me

IDK you yet

 Now Playing: Belovedness by Sarah Kroger

Do you ever do the the thing where you reframe a scenario to try to see things from a point of view that could be more impacting? I tend to do this for when I think of how my decisions would impact my children. Currently they live in a different nation... the imagination, but someday (God willing), they will be here. In the same realm, I realized that I do the same for my niece and nephew. I yearn to give them hope through my personal testimony. 

In a recent conversation with a friend, while talking about finances, I had asked how they got financial advice. They were pretty adamant of trusting the words of those they perceived to have their lives matching the given advice. It makes sense, right? While I think it is a bit challenging to fact check financial stability of others, I do believe that we can be very attentive to the lives that surround us for the better or worse. 

What I yearn to give the little ones: I yearn that they never question their worth, and if they ever do, that they remember their belovedness. I yearn that they never feel alone or unwanted. I yearn that they be equipped to beat the darkness of evil. I yearn that they love all they can and know the reason for doing so. I yearn that they gain the wisdom to see beyond the worldly distractions and keep their eyes on the prize. I yearn for them to know their cross in detail, and yet not despair but follow Jesus. I yearn for them to have their hearts be open to God, for with that, all graces can bestow on them. Faith, hope, and love. 

yours truly,

Ahhh-me

I can only imagine the magnitude of yearnings a mother has for their children. If this lens gives us so much tenderness to love on the little ones, I think it can help us extrapolate the yearn to love others better. That is, unless we have forgotten that we have all been children at some point.

Blue Dabadeee dabadaaa

Now Playing: Little Flower by Danielle Rose

"How can there be too many children? That is like saying there are too many flowers."

-St. Mother Teresa

Today's blog covers Raynaud's phenomenon. I have found that a generic internet search was not really useful in practical info. Perhaps this helps someone else. Here is what I have learned:

• Finger gloves are not helpful. 
• Mittens work sometimes
• Warm mugs work better
• Body heat works best (i.e. sitting on top of hands)
• Attacks are not always related to outdoor weather
• It occurs in the summer
• It occurs indoors 
• The speed at which circulation is lost varies
• Rapid speeds tend occur while switching environments
• i.e going from the house to the car
• First warnings before an attack can be very cold hands
• Not all attacks have warnings
• Toes take longer than fingers to reestablish circulation
• Running helps get circulation, but 
• Takes ~20 minutes for the hands 
• Takes at~30 minutes for the toes
• The longer it remains white
• the stiffer fingers/toe become
• the more painful it gets
• Best advice: see a doctor 

Disclaimer: these are personal experiences with the disease. Seek professional attention. These are just my two cents :)

Happy Easter!

Amy

I'll Follow You

Happy Feast of the Annunciation! 

Now Playing: Follow You - Imagine Dragons

"A woman's love always determines the way a man loves: she is the silent educator of his virile powers."

-Venerable Fulton J. Sheen

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Yellow Balloon

The other Washington

Now Playing: Yo Te Voy a Amar - N Sync

I remember when this song was released in 2000. Somehow, we had a cassette tape with the entire N Sync album. This band had touched my young heart and this song became an anthem to my longing desire; to be loved. Have you ever heard of the Litany of Humility? It is a prayer of deliverance to anything that may keep one from becoming Christ like, and to me, it is one of the most challenging prayers to mean. I wish I could explain it better, but all I can say, is that this prayer hurts my heart! 

"O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me. From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me Jesus.

From the desire of being loved. Deliver me Jesus

From the desire of being extolled. Deliver me Jesus

From the desire of being honored. Deliver me Jesus

....

That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

..."

Litany of Humility - Rafael Cardinal Merry del Val

Why is it wrong to desire to be loved? While I struggle to comprehend this, I can simply understand that there is truth to it. It was on a recent talk that I went to that open another whirl of questions for me, when Fr. Isaac let our class contemplate on the desires of the human heart. More specifically, how Adam desired Eve even before the fall. Perhaps I have forgotten most of what I had learned from theology of the body, but I question why Adam desired more if he had God. In simple terms, why did he desire a #2 when he already had his #1?

Switching subjects...

Throwback Thursday photos from a work trip to Mulkiteo. Sunny skies flying in, but cloudy for the most part. I wish to say I went hiking on the trails a bunch, but my fear of mountain lions prevented me from going far out. 

Love Never Fails

"God’s delays are mysterious; sorrow is sometimes prolonged for the same reason for which it is sent. God may abstain for the moment from healing, not because Love does not love, but because Love never stops loving, and a greater good is to come from the woe. Heaven’s clock is different from ours."

-Venerable Fulton Sheen (Book: Life of Christ)

No Pretenses

"Each of us must come to the evening of life. Each of us must enter on eternity.  Each of us must come to that quiet, awful time, when we will appear before the Lord of the vineyard, and answer for the deeds done in the body, whether they be good or bad. That, my dear brethren, you will have to undergo. ... It will be the dread moment of expectation when your fate for eternity is in the balance, and when you are about to be sent forth as the companion of either saints or devils, without possibility of change. There can be no change; there can be no reversal. As that judgment decides it, so it will be for ever and ever. Such is the particular judgment. ... when we find ourselves by ourselves, one by one, in his presence, and have brought before us most vividly all the thoughts, words, and deeds of this past life. Who will be able to bear the sight of himself? And yet we shall be obliged steadily to confront ourselves and to see ourselves. In this life we shrink from knowing our real selves. We do not like to know how sinful we are. We love those who prophecy smooth things to us, and we are angry with those who tell us of our faults. But on that day, not one fault only, but all the secret, as well as evident, defects of our character will be clearly brought out. We shall see what we feared to see here, and much more. And then, when the full sight of ourselves comes to us, who will not wish that he had known more of himself here, rather than leaving it for the inevitable day to reveal it all to him!"

— Saint John Henry Newman, p.101

Thinking

 I just want to run, I tell myself a lot.

I just want to move. Sitting still is such a task.

Too many thoughts, not all of them entwine.

If I could just get my blood flow moving, perhaps I won't be blind.

Heedless acts, I wish them to extinct

They lower the standards of what people mean 

Is as to be wise as to listen rightly,

Not all lips moving are conscious, they could smite thee

Be forewarn to think things through

Alford plea is real, bargains misconstrued

Can the head, the heart, and mouth align?

Perhaps there is not much blood flow, it would not be a surprise.

Not all running means to quit.

Sometimes running helps grip

the vital vessels required to live.